Surprisingly Uncool

Today I would like to bring a sense of enlightenment to the seemingly very confused world. Perhaps its just Poughkeepsie that suffers from these horrible phenomenons, but just in case it is the rest of the world too, I will continue on.
Here I would like to remind people that just because you think something is cool, doesn't mean that it actually is.
Now, I by no means claim to be a cool person. I mean, honestly, I write a blog for Christ's sake. But still, there are some people out there that need to get a grasp on what is or is not socially acceptable. So, today I bring you:

THINGS PEOPLE THINK ARE COOL

1. Car-balls

I don't understand what makes these cool or funny. They're stupid and disgusting, plane and simple. Do you not have any of your own, so you feel the need to tack a set of fake junk onto your bumper? Come on, guys. Give it up. Neuter your pets. The last thing we need is a bunch of stray Hummers running around.

2. Tacky-ass Ghetto nails.

No matter what your occupation, if you have nails that are more than an inch long, you instantly look like you run the cash register at the local 7-11. And I am instantly going to assume that you're going to sell me a Slurpee. Wild Cherry, bitch.

3. Douche-Beard

Although it sounds like you might be a bad-ass pirate, actually HAVING a douche-beard simply makes you an ass. If you spent half as much time learning proper English as you did carving hieroglyphics into your head, you would be a much more respectable human being. Instead you look like you just allowed a lawn-mower to take creative freedom of your face.

4. Tribal Tattoos

Unless you're a Maori or fucking Tony the Tiger, you need to stay away from the tribal ink. You either look like a wrestler, or look like a frat boy. Neither of which are respectable personas for the day-to-day civilian. There is nothing else like having solid splotches of meaningless black ink over your body to say "I think I'm a bad-ass, so does my orange-tan girlfriend!" They're gggggggrrreat!

5. Plymouth Prowlers

A wedge of cheese on wheels. Enough said.



6. Keytars
Perfect for the kid whose mom made them practice hours of piano everyday before they could watch t.v. We all know that all you wanted to do was join a rock band. Just like we all know you will always be a total dweeb for the rest of your life. Keytar = significantly uncool.


7. 3-wheeled motorcycles

Too bad-ass for a 4-wheeler, too chicken for a chopper. Looking for the perfect balance? You didn't find it. Move along. You're a tool. Tack a side-car onto it and you'll be the whole hardware store.