Raw Food Time?

Raw food time.
I gotta lose this weight.
Its showing more and more.
I CANNOT STAND IT FOR ANOTHER SECOND.

Maybe Someday...

Today sucked. I'm not even going to lie. It really really did. It was alright until I got to class. At that point, it all just started falling downhill.

I had to make biscotti for my practical. I fucking hate biscotti. No one likes biscotti. Fuck biscotti. With my awesome phonetic skills, I successfully managed to misread and totally destroy the recipe by attempting to make chocolate chip biscotti instead of chocolate. Sooo I had to figure out how to somehow change chocolate chip into chocolate. Little did I realize that one require baking soda while the other required baking powder. And on top of all of this, the oven I used broke without my knowledge. Needless to say I had some really shitty biscotti. Needless to say, I failed my exam. Awesome. Two more to go, though.

After class I went to the gym again.
It was later this time, it was pretty full. As soon as I walked in the room, I instantly felt as if I had transformed from human to meat. I walked in, and I just wasn't even a person anymore. I ignored this and just put in my headphones and listened to my music while I ran and lifted weights. But I could still see the people just staring at me and watching me lift weights and just look at me in ways I really prefer to not be looked at in. I really made me feel like shit. I was actually a bit self conscious as I was lifting; not because I can't lift much, but just because I could tell how a lot of the guys were staring. It really made me feel shitty. I don't even take it as a compliment anymore.
And then of course, I had Broski and Beaver stop by to hang out a bit. A few lines were crossed with some things that were said. Starting with something that had happened one night when I had been drinking and did some ridiculous and regrettable things that I honestly did not know happened. And of course I had a few of those empty blank spaces in my mind were filled in about what really did happen that time. Nothing that I am happy about nor proud of, nor really wanted to remember. Especially aloud in a room full of other people that honestly did not need to know about all of that. Continuing on, I also learned that I was the fulfiller of a couple 'guy fantasies', which truth be told made me feel absolutely sick and disgusted with myself. Strangely, at this point i can understand why I look like a half-rack of spare ribs to someone.
I'm going to bed.
fuck it.




Do you remember how it was when you bled? When you loved and burned in those flames that you've kept because Vesta's long been sleeping . And now you've come to accept that your anatomy defines more than a few of the gaping holes in our social fabric; more than a few one night stands, more than a few prison bars melted into wedding bands.
We've made you all the peasants and we've made ourselves the kings, our queens are still subordinate as an angel without wings .We make it easy to belong which means it's easy to be wrong "Put some plastic in your tits, and you'd look better as a blond." I remember when you were hopeful and you never thought your life would be lived inside a coffin with a moral sacrifice and a million social obligations, labels and expectations. You were young and modern seventeen in vogue and vague pursuit of a cosmopolitan dream. When you bled on the bed as you fed those expectations as a whore and not a human, you embraced with hesitation the very parameters of all you can be; not a mother, not an aunt, not a sister who's not subdued, because dignity's not physical and your flesh means more than you. I know we'll wake up one day with a gun to the back of our brains. You'll be asking for your rib and I'll smile and call you brave. Maybe someday when this bloody skull has dried I'll know our city is in ruins when our greatest source of pride is a monument of dicks and ribs and gender crowns we wore where underneath, a plaque will read, "No woman is a whore."

Band: Protest The Hero
Song: Turn Soonest To The Sea
Album: Kezia

turn soonest to the sea - Protest the Hero

*edit
And I just found out that Protest The Hero is playing with The Number 12 Looks Like You in the city on May 9th. Hooooolllyyyyy shit. Forget going to see GWAR. I am saving all my money and trecking my ass down there. Best. Line-up. Ever. (Misery Signals, Scales The Summit, Falls From Grace will also be there.) Ohgodohgodohgod.

I Scratched The Empties, Desperate To Hear You Make The Sound That You Found For Me

Sounds Familiar

We emerge from youth all wide-eyed like the rest, shedding skin faster than our skin can grow, and armed with hammers, feathers, blunt knives: words, to meet and to define and to... but you must know the same games that we played in dirt, in dusty school yards has found a higher pitch and broader scale than we feared possible, and someone must be picked last, and one must bruise and one must fail. And that still twitching bird was so deceived by a window, so we eulogized fondly, we dug deep and threw its elegant plumage and frantic black eyes in a hole, and rushed out to kill something new, so we could bury that too. The first chapters of lives almost made us give up altogether. Pushed towards tired forms of self immolation that seemed so original. I must, we must never stop watching the sky with our hands in our pockets, stop peering in windows when we know doors are shut. Stop yelling small stories and bad jokes and sorrows, and my voice will scratch to yell many more, but before I spill the things I mean to hide away, or gouge my eyes with platitudes of sentiment, I'll drown the urge for permanence and certainty; crouch down and scrawl my name with yours in wet cement.




Oh how I miss that band.

The Weakerthans. They always had something great, some strange song that made you think for a long time and gave some of the most perfect imagery. More poetry than music, yes?
They have an old song called Plea From A Cat Named Virtue
and it turns out that now they have one called Virtue The Cat Explains Her Departure
I just listened to it and oh my god it is so sad.
The first one, Plea... is (loosely) about a cat whose owner is just sinking into depression and self harm. Virtue, the cat, is trying to get him out of bed, trying to get him to play, things like that. In this next one, it seems like its the cat finally giving up because the owner doesn't take care of her anymore. Its a lot of symbolism and it sure is a killer.
But aside. That is all I have to say on that subject.


I need to paint my toenails.


And on a lighter note

Sounds familiar?
(in a very different way than the above stated "Sounds Familiar")
I love nerding out.





Ten points for me spelling everything right on the first try!

The Best Thing That Could Be Happening

Here is my 50th post. Just to give myself a bit of a boost, I'm going to go through the goods and bads in my life. Lets check it out.

The Goods

1. 
   
   1. I'm actually doing well in school for the first time in a long time


2. I'm actually enjoying the time I have at school
3. 
   
   I have some of the most supportive friends I have ever had. We can just sit around and bullshit, talk about important things, or go out. Anything.


4. 
   
   My family and I are getting along really well, despite the stupid shit I sometimes do.


5. 
   
   I have an awesome boyfriend that treats me well


6. 
   
   I'm starting to realize that I deserve to be treated well. This is new for me


7. 
   
   I get along with all my roommates and we have so much fun together


8. 
   
   I'm starting to get my life straightened out


9. 
   
   I don't hate myself as much as I used to


10. 
    
    I make awesome angel food cake


11. 
    
    I wake up with a smile almost every day


12. 
    
    I;m learning to work around the big problems in my life


13. 
    
    I'm teaching myself guitar and I love it. I can actually play songs now!


14. 
    
    My health is in check. I'm not really ill or anything


15. 
    
    I've learned to ask for help when I need it, I've stopped trying to do so much on my own


16. 
    
    I've removed a lot of drama from my life, so it things are a lot less stressful


17. 
    
    I've learned to start taking more chances and live life a little bit more.


18. 
    
    I don't feel ugly all the time anymore.


19. 
    
    I haven't smiled this much in a long, long time.


20. 
    
    I quit smoking for the most part

The Bads

1. 
   
   I don't really eat as much as I should.


2. 
   
   I drink too much, but I'm trying to stop.


3. 
   
   Michelle lives far away.


4. 
   
   I'm running low on cash.


5. 
   
   I wish I had better relationships with my siblings.


6. 
   
   I've lost quite a few friends recently due to arguments and dramatic situations.

Over all I would say that things are going very well. I'm happy with where I am in my life right now. Things really look like they're turning around for me. And, when it comes to the bad things, I can fix most of them with time. I can't control when Michelle comes back, but she will, I can't do a whole lot about the not having money, but I can try, and if those friends don't want to be friends with me anymore, there isn't anything I can do about that either so I just let it go. But, I can stop drinking, with a little help, I can talk to my siblings more, and I can start eating more, which I have already done. I get up and eat lunch with my roommates almost every day now. So it's all going to be okay.

Woohoo!

"Chemicals, Man, They'll Fuck You Up."

After watching SLC Punk a few too many times, I found the need to buy ridiculous clothing. Patterned sports-coats in assortments of colors, the brighter the better, pants of unusual hues, tshirts with horrible sayings, and fantastic shoes and hats. Top it all off with a bandanna around the neck. This has been a habit of mine. My wardrobe looks something like:

Black, black, black, black, black, SHAZAM!, black, black, black...

Its freaking awesome.

Just thought I would mention that.

Clashing colors might be my favorite thing ever and I really do love to look like I jumped right out of Wonderland. Gotta love making everyone around you feel like they just dropped acid.

I have a poster for the band The Clash next to my bed.
Every day I roll over and see it
then obey what it says:

CLASH

"Wasn't That A Stardust Fantasy?"

Again, with the Little Miss Sunshin-ery.

I forgot about the actual beauty pageant part of the movie, and how they have actual pageant girls.

Can I just mention how absolutely horrifying pageant girls are?

The ones that are six or seven years old and they have more makeup on than a drag queen.

The fact that these parents dress up their little kids like rodeo-princess Barbie and make them sing and dance and brainwash them into thinking that what they're doing is truly what they want to do is sickening. Being told from that young of an age that they need to wear make-up, they need to be skinny, they need to look perfect and beautiful and that they need to win. What miserable life are they going to have to live because of their mothers what want their daughters to be something they could never be. What kind of irresponsible parent would try to live vicariously through their child? They couldn't achieve their own goals, so they push their children to live an unhealthy lifestyle. It makes me truly and honestly ill. People wonder why anorexia, bulimia, intentional self mutilation syndrome, depression and anxiety and suicide are so common. It is because of things like this:

"To be a total package child, you must make sure ever part of your look is prefect."

-http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/282237/tips_for_childrens_beauty_pageants.html

They are expected to be a "total package child" and live up to impossible standards. Each one trying to "out-pretty" the other, because that is what their parents want them to do. It is so unnatural for a child to act the way they have to act and dress the way they have to dress. Turns out that aliens really do exist.