Feel Free to Skip This One. The Other Two Are More Interesting

It's funny how the past sneaks up on you out of nowhere.
One minute, you think that everything you left behind is nothing but dust. Old map markers a few pages back. Then, suddenly it's in front of you again, whether you like it or not.
Its like something that was burned to ashes suddenly rematerialized, plain as day, as if it had never been engulfed by the flames you set to it.
Disgusting.

But inevitable.

This past month and a half has been nothing but that feeling.
Things resurfacing. A cancerous relapse.
Everything that I thought I shed, crawling back over my fresh skin.

I've returned to square one.


As much as I hate to admit it, there hasn't been a day that I haven't cried for the past 20-some days. Frankly, I grow weary of it.

My heart is tired of hurting. The weight of it makes it seem like stones could float with ease in comparison.


It sucks that this blog is turning into more of a diary. Occassionally that happens, but that is not my intention. Hopefully it'll seen be back to the angry, yet interesting jots and tiddles that it used to be.

As of right now though, this might be the only place I have to turn.

See, I'm not looking for advice, I'm not looking for help and I'm not looking for opinions. There are plenty of people that are offering that. It's just simply not what I'm looking for.
At this point, I just need to get everything out. Something is telling me that I time will come where I won't be able to convey my feelins properly, but this will be here to do so. This is just a fallback, I guess.

As I started writing this post, my intention was actually to review a CD that I just purchased. Funny how things start to tie together. I suppose I had best get on that.


Until next time.

Wow. 4 Days Already? Oops!

I could have swore that just yesterday I posted my 30 Day Blog Challenge.

Time to catch up.

Day 2: Talk about your tattoos and piercings.

Easy enough!

My first piercings were, of course, my ears.

I was an infant, it wasn't my choice. I don't remember.

As I grew older, I wanted more. The holes had shifted a little, so now I just ignore them

Now I have 3 new holes in each ear. I've had them normal sized, I've had them gauged to all kinds of crazy ways. Unsuccessfully, I've pierced my nose and ears and other parts. None of it turned out as I hoped, so I just let them be.

Right after my 18th birthday I pierced my tongue. I've had all of those since.

Tattoos, though.

My first one was a hand-drawn honey bee. Not unlike the ones from Whinnie the Pooh. It is on my side, above my hip.

Ink, as many people know, is addicting.

From the bee it then turned to arm tattoos:

3/4 of my right arm is covered, from above my wrist up to my shoulder. All of them are old Sega Genesis games.

It starts with Zombies Ate My Neighbors, then goes to Battle Toads, then Earthworm Jim, then Ecco the Dolphin, then Sonic the Hedgehog. Some the main characters, some the side characters and villains. Today, for example, I got Evil the Cat from Earthworm Jim on my shoulder. Next month I'll be getting the cover from Golden Axe II on the back of my shoulder.

No, there are no real pictures of them online. I have a few pictures of the individual bits, but there are no pictures of its entirety. Soon, my friends, soon.

Day 3: Write About Your Favorite Television Program

I wish I could write about my favorite television program, but I actually don't have one.

In all honesty, I avoid watching TV if I can. I really like movies and games, but TV, I could do without.

Back in the day, Queer as Folk was one that was frequently played in my house. When I was younger I liked Invader Zim. As of right now? There really aren't any. Its a struggle to find something enjoyable.

Day 4: Write About Your Closets Friends

That is pretty hard to do at this point in my life.

Many of my friends, I don't talk to anymore. The ones that I do speak to, we don't have the "best friends" relationships.

Wow.

This...actually really sucks.

You Don't Even Want To Know

I will start by apologizing for the negativity that is seeping from every crooked letter and every punctuation in this post.

These past few days may have been some of the worst days of my life.

What makes it even worse is the fact that I can't even write about it here due to potential legal issues.

The other day I was flown to Texas to testify in court.

First I had to drive to Philadelphia, which is no big deal, as this happens about once a month.

From Philadelphia I flew to Houston, Texas. No big deal, right? Wrong.

The flight was connecting, of course, so I could get to my actual destination. Unfortunately, though, that flight left 20 minutes after my first flight touched ground. God knows it could take 20 minutes just to get off of a plane. Naturally, my first flight was ten minutes late. Fantastic.

Finally I made it in and went to the gate, which turned out to be changed. The new terminal was "all the way across the airport", according to one of the not-so-accommodating staff members. So, off I ran, taking the train for the second time to get to the proper terminal. Did I get there? Yes. Did the employee tell me the right terminal? No. Of course, I had to hope back on the plane and finally made it to the proper gate.

Just in time for the plane to be leaving.

I missed my freaking flight.

So, after more frustration, my flight was switched and I had to fly to Dallas. Then from Dallas, to my destination.

It was a nightmare.

My feet hurt, my stomach was sick, I hadn't slept in 36 hours and I had to face what felt like a reoccurring nightmare.

We will shorten this whole, lengthy story by saying I was driven to the court house, testified then spent the night and the next day in a large hotel. The court case did not go at all as planned. If anything, it was the complete opposite of what we were hoping for.

In the hotel, the food was mediocre and I found fleas in my room. Luckily I got my room switched and got to watch cable for a while, so that was good.

The next day I was driven back to the airport, hoped on a tiny jet, flew back into Houston, then went back onto another plane to Philly. That flight was filled with screaming, shrieking, whining children and a lady that chomped on her gum as if she were a goat.

The whole situation was a horrible, horrible nightmare that still has my eyes watering when I think about it too hard.

Another few days in Philly to recover, then back to New York.

Honestly, I'm not even writing this post so people can read it, but more for my own well-being. it just sucks that I can't even write what I want to.

Recently I haven't been able to talk to Van much, not just because of not being home, but because of work schedules and just issues.

He has so many of his own problems that I can't help but feel like I am a complete and total burden to him more than anything else.

Not too long ago we got new that we were going to have to move out of our apartment. Van will be moving into his family's house, I will be moving into my friends' house.

Thanksgiving is going to be crappy, and Christmas is going to be even worse. I'm dreading every upcoming moment for the next 6 months.

There is just too much going on right now for me to handle and I don't know what to do.

I can't get a hold of my best friend, either, so I really feel like I have no one right now.

Sure, I have my parents, as I'm staying in their house, but as soon as I leave here and go back to New York, I'm going to be completely alone again.

I don't feel like writing anymore.

There Ain't No Rest For the Wicked

Sagging, tired eyes

What is this thing you speak of?

"Sleep" is what it's called?

I've lost count of how many days it has been since I've slept well. Going to bed at 6:30 am isn't cutting it. For some reason I keep tossing and turning.

Luckily enough, I've been able to keep myself busy.

So far I've nearly completed my Fallout 3 Laser Rifle prop for my Halloween costume. The rest of my outfit is ready to go. Same with Van's.

The other night I worked the midnight release for Fallout New Vegas. What a wonderful time!

Of course I left the store with my collector's edition copy, I haven't had a chance to play it though.

After leaving the midnight release a little later than 1 am, I drove a friend of mine home, then picked up my other friend, Jason, and we drove to Philly.

In the pouring rain.

At 2 am.

Several Full Throttles, a NOS, a Rockstar and a Venom later....

We got to my parents' house at 6 am, just as Dad was leaving for work.

Almost immediately we went to sleep, just to wake up in 4 hours then drive an hour into Center City.

There we waited at the Rock School of Dance to audition to work at DISNEY WORLD!

This was very exciting.

I figured, though, that we would just do some minor acting auditions and get an interview. I was sorely mistaken.

And sore in general.

Turns out we had to dance for approximately 3 hours. Almost non-stop. After being so exhausted (and sick from drinking all those poisons on an empty stomach that morning...), dancing was the LAST thing I needed to do. I was certain that I was going to faint.

The auditions were out at 5 pm. I felt confident and sweaty and ready to collapse.

With eyes drooping and heads nodding, we finally made our way home, ate dinner, then watched the extremely disappointing Scream Awards.

At 8 o'clock this morning, we woke up and made our way back to New York. Traffic was awful, due to ungodly amounts of construction.

I dropped Jason off at his house, then went to Planet New York and added on to my tattoo.

Now, I'm home, sitting on the couch, typing this with my eyes closed, ready to fall asleep. Maybe I'll make cookies for Van tonight, since I just got some chocolate chip cookie dough from Mom.

Or maybe I'll just lay on the floor until someone scoops me up with a giant spatula...

VXS

Yesterday I really needed someone to talk to.

For the passed week or so, I've been having trouble sleeping. Going to bed at 4 or 5 in the morning because I just couldn't fall asleep, no matter how hard I tried.

Last night, I thought for sure that I would be able to sleep. We went to bed at 11 or so. An hour later, I was still tossing and turning. I couldn't stop thinking about Victoria.

To those of you who don't know about Victoria, she's a good friend of mine. We were best friends in 4th-5th grade. Then we started going to different schools, etc.

We were really tight.

She died about 6 months ago, back in May. I don't know who all reads, this, so I really don't want to get into details about what happened.

Lets just say it was extremely sudden, extremely unexpected, and extremely unintentional.

We were out of the country, when it happened, so I wasn't able to attend her funeral. I did, though, get to go to her 40 Day Memorial, which gave some closure, but not nearly enough.

For a while, I had been doing alright, more or less coming to terms with things.

Just every once in a while it hits really hard. Yesterday was just one of those nights.

Over and over again, I kept seeing my mom walk into my room and tell me that she had died.

It was unbelievable.

A few other things about the event kept circulating through my mind, I wish I could type them out, but again, I don't know who all reads this, so it's not appropriate.

Luckily a good friend of mine, Chris, is always just a phone call away. He was best friends with Victoria, too, so we talked about it a little bit.

That made me feel better.

It'll never get easier, though, I don't think.

You can face the realization, of course, but it just never gets easier.

Day 14, 15 and 16. Along with some other things.

Day 14- A picture of you and your family.
This is my family and I on our cruise to the Bahamas.
It was quite a fun time.
Also the first vacation we had been on together in 19 years, I believe.





Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play.
This is so something that you are not going to want to sit through...
Alright, here goes nothing:



1. Creep (Acoustic) - Radiohead
(Unfortunately this version is edited.)



2. Baby, I Got Your Money (Cover) - Say Anything



(This cracks me up)



3.Damn You Looks Good And I'm Drunk (Scandalous) - Cobra Starship


(And this is definitely the first time I've ever heard this song.)

4. Whole Day Off (Live) - Oingo Boingo



(If you didn't know, this is Danny Elfman's band.)

5. We Are The Gothic Archies - Gothic Archies


(Gothic Archies singer is also in a band called The Magnetic Fields. Some of their music can be found in the TV show Queer as Folk. They also did the soundtrack for one of my favorite movies: Pieces of April.

6. Screaming at the Wailing Wall - Flogging Molly



(Flogging Molly. Not a whole lot to say here. Just good ol' Flogging Molly. Though, I was listening to them yesterday, so it is kind of funny that they turned up here.)

7.Group Sex - Cirlce Jerks


(Never listened to this song, either, to be honest. Well, not that I remember, at least.)

8. The Age of Pamparius - Turbonegro



(Another one that I've never listened to before. As you can see, my ipod doesn't get much use anymore...)

9. Horror Beach - Horrorpops



(These guys are wonderful live. I highly recommend seeing them, if you ever get the chance.)

10. Dance in the Sand - Shwayze



(Shwayze is so chill....)


Day 16- Another picture of yourself

Finally:

PANEER PAKORA!

I'm currently in Philly, getting ready to go to sleep. Tomorrow we leave the house wicked early to go back up to New York.
Its cruise time!
Off to the Bahamas I will go.
Unfortunately there will be no way for me to update while I am gone, as it costs a WICKED crazy amount to use the Internet on cruise ships. So any updates will have to wait until I return.
Anyhow, the real reason I came on here was to rave about an Indian restaurant that just opened up around my parent's house. Its called Aman's and its in North Wales, PA.
It was wonderful.
I got a Boti Kabab, which was cooked lamb. Came with bosmati rice. Also tried one of their vegetable samosas.
But, what really impressed me was this;
My favorite Indian dish is paneer pakora. I love it. It is delicious. I could eat it all day long.
For those of you who don't know what it is, its basically fried cheese with a curry sauce on the inside. So, so good. Now, I;ve been to several Indian restaurants, and I have yet to find it anywhere. I'm not sure if its a regional thing, if its an Americanized dish, or if its just uncommon.
There was a place I used to go to called Greater India, and honestly, it was some of the best food I've ever had. But the owner was not very nice, so we stopped going there about three years ago. Since then, I have been on a quest to find delicious paneer pakora, and sadly, I have not found it.
Until today.
Whilst looking on the menu, I did not see it anywhere, and I was immediately saddened, but, considering that its a brand new restaurant, not even a week old, I asked the waiter if they by any chance made it, but it wasn't on the menu.
He said no, but he was then kind enough to go ask the chef, just in case.
And, the chef, was kind enough to make it for us anyway, even though they don't sever it there!
It was very surprising and very nice. I was incredibly impressed.
So, I figured I would write a nice little review, just in case anyone in the Buck's county area is looking for a great Indian restaurant. I highly recommend Aman's. And who knows, maybe you will see me there, because I will definitely be going back again!

There's Tears In My Grits!

Long time no blog, it seems.
It is very nice to know that we now 100% have our very own internet! So there is no longer a need to steal it from my neighbors next door.
I will be working today at 6:00 until 10:00, which in all honesty seems like a royal waste of time. Why? Because its four hours. Also, Van gets home an hour after I leave the house. Which is a shame! But, this gives him time to watch Paranomal Activity, which I can far, far to afraid to watch. I know I will be seeing things for weeks. He can also watch District 9, because I definitely don't want to see that.
Moving right along, it has been a silly passed few weeks. Working working working due to the holiday season (which what magnificent, by the way). Yesterday we got sushi and rented movies. Finally saw the most recent Harry Potter. Whoop-de-freaking-do. What happened to half of the chapters?!
Alas, that is literature-to-film for you.
Clearly I have had far too much time on my hands lately, considering I have spent the majority of it on *chan sites, further proving to myself that there truly are absolutely terrifying people in this world. Because of this I am now finding ways to arm myself in the best ways possible.
My house is a filthy mess and I should certainly spend more time cleaning it. But its to the point of where I look around and immediately get depressed and have no desire to move what so ever because it is so messy and overwhelming. Little steps. Little steps at a time.
To add more video games to the collection, I got Van a Wii for christmas. He has been playing Mario and we have both been playing Rockband. I can only sing and play the drums. Not so good at the guitar bit though, which is funny because I play real guitar. Who would have thought.

To add some spontaneity to things, here is my list of the top ten worst places ever to go while you have a hangover:


1.Hibachi restaurant
as if it wasn't bad and loud enough sober, there is nothing like the sound of banging metal-on-metal, and overly-enthusiastic Japanese chefs to make your head throb even more.

2.Bowling Alley
Not only do you get to endure the continuous clashing of toppling pins, but you also get to smell the nauseating aroma of shitty pizza, fake cheese, and feet.

3.NASCAR Race
Four hours and screeching tires and burned rubber, spilt beer and rednecks. Yeehaw.

4.Babysitting
"I WANNA WATCH DORA!"
"I wanna fucking slit your throat...."

5. 3D IMAX Theater
Nothing cures vertigo like watching 400ft tall dolphins leap toward your face to the sensual sounds of Enya.

6. GWAR Concert
As if you hadn't dealt with enough alcohol the night before, now your get to deal with alcohol, alcoholics, AND fake blood, all while being violently thrashed around.

7. Your Significant Other's Grandparent's House
There's not better way to make a great impression than to mumble incoherently and not look at anyone.

8.Chuck E Cheese
On top of the bright lights, whirring arcade games and more stale pizza than you know what to do with, you'll also have the wonderful joy of dealing with hundreds of screaming kids and a large dancing mouse. Perfect.

9. Pink Floyd's Darkside of the Moon Tribute and Lightshow
Even worse, if you had to pay for the tickets, and you definitely didn't want to go in the first place. Never forget the smell of a fog machine. Never listen to Pink Floyd again.

10. Work
You feel like shit, you're somewhere you don't want to be even when you're sober, you're not making enough money and you're doing something you most certainly don't want to do.


Ta-da!

No, Mumm Ra, That Is My Cheese Cake!

If my blog were a puppy, it would have died from neglect by now, or at least been taken away by social services. We still don't have Internet in my house, since money is a little bit tight. But I think one of my neighbors has it, hence the fact that I am typing right this very moment.
Life...is big.
As of now.
There have been a lot of changes.

I dropped out of cooking school, which many people tell me was a bad idea.
Personally, I don't think saving thousands of dollars from going to waste is a bad idea. At some point in the near future I will be changing my major and going to a new school. Most likely for journalism I believe we already went through this. I had been working as a chef for a horrible restaurant called All Shook Up, that charged 9 dollars for a tiny sandwich and didn't have ice cream when they called themselves a "malt shop". Thankfully I am no longer there.
I now work a mediocre job at Best Buy, but I am not complaining. All things considered, I am making money and selling video games, so all is not that bad. I've come to the understanding that sometimes you have to start from the bottom and work your way up. There are no cheat-codes for life, with maybe the exception of the lottery. But that is one of those impossible cheat codes that are really difficult to activate, much like the ones in Earthworm Jim.
Speaking of Earthworm Jim, he is now permanently engraved into my bicep. As I had always said he would be. My sleeve is coming along nicely.

Thanks to some awesome Black Friday sales, we got Left 4 Dead 2 and Dragon Age for outstanding prices. Van and I beat L4D2 on Co-op mode, but need to go through it on single player still. It is a good game, the graphics are nice and the new weapons are useful, but it isn't all that different from the first one. Honestly, it kind of seems the exact same in some parts. Though, I don't own the first one, so I'm alright with that.
Zombies tend to go in a backwards order for me. Always start with the second part. as I did with 28 Weeks later.
Dragon age is pretty awesome, but also very frustrating to me. There are a lot of different controls and settings that I really don't have the patients to deal with. I just want to go and be the most evil of mages. Unfortunately I have to listen to hours of dialog to do so. Alas, it shall be done.
\And while we are on the topic, I will quickly state that I got to level 30 out of 55 on Zombies Ate My Neighbors. No cheats used. Go me.

As of recent we have a new addition to our family: Mumm Ra our little cat-baby.
Well, he isn't so little anymore, but he is still a young one. We found him outside last month and didn't want to leave him. He came right up to me and was more than happy to stay. Now that he is massive and has become a master of parkour. He is also trying to eat my cheesecake.
And yes, the name Mumm Ra did come from ThunderCats.


Yes, that is a chicken hat.


My parents just got to meet Mumm Ra at our first Thanksgiving.
It was a very interesting and slightly horrifying experience, but luckily enough it all turned out okay in the end, despite our power going out an hour into cooking our Turducken in out electric stove and me being rather sick for a few days. In the end all was good and we had enough food for 30 people to feed our little gathering of 6.


I suppose that is all that needs to be said for the time being. When I think of something new and also have Internet, I will keep this updated.
Ta.

I Do Not Exist

My mind subconsciously feeds me song lyrics that are relevant to whichever situation I am in.
This is something that I just noticed today.

After waking up approximately five seconds ago.

I got a text from my mother, showing a picture of kids in robes and what not.
(you can guess where they were.)
Apparently she took my cousins to see Harry Potter at midnight.
As soon as I read this text I just got
"If you can keep a secret, I've got a blanket in the back seat on my mind"
REALLY WEIRD THING to be thinking when you get a text from your mom that is a picture of 12 year olds.
BUT
I then realized it was from the song Midnight Show by The Killers.

Strange how the almost-human mind works, isn't it?

We desperately need to go to the grocery store. Yes.

In a sweater poorly knit and an unsuspecting smile, little Moses drifts
downstream in the Nile. A fumbling reply, an awkward rigid laugh, I'm
carried helpless by my floating basket raft. Your flavor in my mind swings back
and forth between sweeter than any wine and bitter as mustard greens, light and
dark as honeydew and pumpernickel bread, the trap I set for you seems to have
caught my leg instead! As you plow some other field try and forget my
name, see what harvest yields, and, supposing
I'd do the same I planted rows of peas but by the first week of July
they should have come up to my knees but they were maybe ankle high. Take
the fingers from your flute to weave your colored yarns and boil down your fruit
to preserves in mason jars, but now the books are overdue and the goats are
underfed, the trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead.
You're a door-without-a-key, a field-without-a-fence you made a holy fool of me
and I've thanked you ever since. If she comes circling back we'll end where
we'd begun like two pennies on the train track the train crushed into one.
Or if I'm a crown without a king, if I'm a broken open seed if I come without a
thing, then I come with all I need. No boat out in the blue, no place to
rest your head,the trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead!

Guess Who Won't Be Sleeping Tonight???

To anyone that doesn't know, if there is any one thing that I am absolutely terrified of, it's sharks. I am terrified of sharks and I would just as soon blow of my head with a shotgun than set foot in an ocean.
Due to a recent dream that I had, my mother felt the need to send me a facebook page called "Not being eaten by sharks"
I joined. Unfortunately there were pictures


You may click the picture to go to the website of the photographer.

And I hope to GOD that this is photoshopped. It definitely made me pee myself.



*edit
the second picture is indeed photoshopped.
Lucky, lucky bastards.

What The Effing Crap, That Angel Guy Just Felt Me Up...

REWIND.

I sat in my bed with my laptop, then went downstairs into the kitchen, only to go into the garage and into the car. From the car to Costco, where I left the line I was standing in for 15 minutes for a chicken bake. There were at least 5 little whirling dervishes running around as their parents told them to stop running, take things out of their mouths and keep their hands to themselves. I got in line for the chicken bake. My mother and I walked around Costco for and hour, picking up random things for me to take to the apartment. It was almost dinner time, so there were a lot of people. We exited the car. We drove from Homegoods to Costco. In Homegoods we found nothing that we needed. The movie got out at almost 5 oclock. It was a very good one. We stood in line at the movie theater for 5 minutes or so to see UP at 3:20. My favorite manager does not work there any more. We dropped my dad off at home. My salad was far too spicy. My parents and I went to Dominic's to get things too eat. From the house to the car. I was in my room on my laptop looking for upright basses. I filled out a questionnaire for the hospital I was at. I set my bag on the ground after I got in the house after the 4 hour car ride. We loaded the car with everything. Breakfast was great, my grandmother made thin pancakes. I woke up, didn't sleep to well. I was sleeping.

Sticky Wicket

I am currently writing from my grandmother's house in Virginia. We just came back from my cousin's graduation and party. It was generally pretty nice.
It has been a very long day with a lot of driving. More driving tomorrow. Back to Philadelphia, perhaps going to go see a movie with my mother. On Saturday I will go to my friend Robby's graduation party, then go back home on Sunday. I could really got for some sleep so I think I will go within the next few minutes.
Actually, no, I'm going to go to bed now. I apologize for how bland this post was.






Whirling dervish.



Hopefully that made it less bland.

Also, I just did the spell check, and there were no misspellings found. Go me.
And I still think you need to get a facebook, Vanny.

Arrrgggg

What a weekend.
I feel like my Monday posts are usually started that way.
This is a good thing. Good weekends = good things.
We learned (again) that my navigational skills are that of a bat with no sonar.
After about an hour or so of delay, we made it home at almost 2 oclock to a slightly confused, but pleasantly surprised mother.
Van go to discover the wonders of Wegmans and how awesome Wawa is and the glory that is Yumyum's donuts.
Hell yes.
Excellent.
My grandparents and my neighbors came over for desserts and got to meet Van too.
That all turned out very well.
This makes me happy.
Good weekend.

Now I am curled up in the fetal position crying because my cramps are so bad I can't walk. Awesome.
Goodnight.

Get Me A Muzzle...

We had the It's Super Effective reunion tour today. What a good time. Sitting around and bullshitting about my old high school, about our lives now, and about the injustices of life. And about Watchmen. I, of course, made the most epic of blunders, as usual.

"Have you seen The Watchmen yet?"
"No! I really want to. Though I heard there is a lot of blue wang."
"Oh. Ha, yeah, there is a lot of blue wang. Dr. Manhattan walks around naked a lot...
(A few seconds later)
It's really long...
...
...Wait! No! The movie! Not..the...wang...

...you know what I mean..."


Go me.

And again, with my blunders. I made yet another. In my attempt to speak French.
We all know I do not speaka Frencha.


Here is what I tried to say:

"I am trying to speak french I do not speak french But I am trying. I am speaking french to say I love you in french. The first time I translated this, It translated to Dutch. You do not speak Dutch. I am sorry if I wake you up. Have a good day, my wonderful and favorite hermit crab"



This is what it said to say:

"J'essaye de parler français Je ne parle pas français Mais j'essaye Je parle français pour dire je t'aime en français La première fois que j'ai traduit ceci, il a traduit au Néerlandais. Vous ne parlez pas néerlandais que je suis désolé si je vous réveille Ayez un beau jour, mon bernard l'ermite merveilleux et préféré"

I then sent that text message, not really thinking.
I then looked to check and see how correct it was.

This is what it really said:

"J' try to speak French I do not speak French But j' I test speak French to say I t' like in French the first time that j' translated this, it translated for the Netherlander. You do not speak Dutch that I am sorry if I awake you Have one beautiful day, my Bernard l' marvellous and preferred hermit"


A for effort, right?

Oh, Dairy Queen is open again, and they have grab bags. (see one of my previous posts: "Grab Bags" for more information.)
Definitely got some ice cream that's still in the freezer. It is not chicken flavored.

Oh. One more blunder.
I successfully managed to rip the tire open on the car. Along with scratch the rim and break part of the bumper. I really don't know how that could have possibly happened because I really didn't hit the curb that hard. I don't think my parents believe me, but that's up to them whether they do or not. I know how hard I hit something. It was no different than any other time you run over the curb. I honestly don't understand how it could have done so much damage. I did hit my head pretty hard though, but I didn't mention that to my parents, they probably would have just freaked out more and believed me less about how hard I hit the curb. Oh well. I'm just happy that I somehow forced myself to not Frisbee my dinner plate through the sliding glass door like I wanted to. its nice to be home for a while, until I sit down at the dinner table. For some reason, sitting at the dinner table just makes me want to leave. Maybe because 95% of bad conversations happened at the dinner table, even since I was a kid. The other 5% were either in the car or in some other place, probably in the doorway of my room or the computer room. For some reason all the fighting happens at the table. When I have my own house, I will not have a dinner table. Dinner tables just lead to bad things. I want to go back to school now.

I need to go work out again. Perhaps in the morning. My hair feels like spaghetti and I'm getting into one of those moods where I want to cut it all off. Hopefully I won't give in and do that again, I'm trying to grow it out because I think I might actually look pretty again if I do.
I got some new clothes today, but I really just felt like crap the whole time I was shopping. Something about clothing stores makes any shred of self esteem I had just disintegrate. I really can't wait until I am pretty again. I miss how I used to look.
More like this, less like I do now. Someday. Maybe after I get out of school and I start working more and having more of a life. Who knows.

Alright, I'm done being upset. Lets be happy.
I've gotten close to 400 new songs today on my itunes and I'm not even finished yet! Im going to have all kinds of great stuff to listen to at school now. And I'll go and buy some blank CDs and I'll make people mix cd's and they'll all be happy, and then I'll be happy because they're happy. And tomorrow I'm going to the grocery store!! I love t he grocery store! And Ill make my mom a tart for her birthday. She wont decide what she wants so I'm just going to have to make something up. I think Ill probably make some kind of cake and some pate a choux to decorate it with or something. I really don't know. I have an idea for it, but I'm not sure yet. Oh well, I guess we'll see tomorrow. I heard a funny song about Toast today...that's exciting, yes?

I think I am going to go make crepes...

Thanks, Dad.

'she might be a tranny.'
'a what?'
'a tranny'
'i dont know what that means.'
'a transvestite.'
'oh. well,im not up to date with all this lingo'

I Scratched The Empties, Desperate To Hear You Make The Sound That You Found For Me

Sounds Familiar

We emerge from youth all wide-eyed like the rest, shedding skin faster than our skin can grow, and armed with hammers, feathers, blunt knives: words, to meet and to define and to... but you must know the same games that we played in dirt, in dusty school yards has found a higher pitch and broader scale than we feared possible, and someone must be picked last, and one must bruise and one must fail. And that still twitching bird was so deceived by a window, so we eulogized fondly, we dug deep and threw its elegant plumage and frantic black eyes in a hole, and rushed out to kill something new, so we could bury that too. The first chapters of lives almost made us give up altogether. Pushed towards tired forms of self immolation that seemed so original. I must, we must never stop watching the sky with our hands in our pockets, stop peering in windows when we know doors are shut. Stop yelling small stories and bad jokes and sorrows, and my voice will scratch to yell many more, but before I spill the things I mean to hide away, or gouge my eyes with platitudes of sentiment, I'll drown the urge for permanence and certainty; crouch down and scrawl my name with yours in wet cement.




Oh how I miss that band.

The Weakerthans. They always had something great, some strange song that made you think for a long time and gave some of the most perfect imagery. More poetry than music, yes?
They have an old song called Plea From A Cat Named Virtue
and it turns out that now they have one called Virtue The Cat Explains Her Departure
I just listened to it and oh my god it is so sad.
The first one, Plea... is (loosely) about a cat whose owner is just sinking into depression and self harm. Virtue, the cat, is trying to get him out of bed, trying to get him to play, things like that. In this next one, it seems like its the cat finally giving up because the owner doesn't take care of her anymore. Its a lot of symbolism and it sure is a killer.
But aside. That is all I have to say on that subject.


I need to paint my toenails.


And on a lighter note

Sounds familiar?
(in a very different way than the above stated "Sounds Familiar")
I love nerding out.





Ten points for me spelling everything right on the first try!

Give Me Back My Face!

I have come up with a spectacular new idea for a website.

Forget "Facebook", we need Faebook. For the fairies.

Anyhow. Van and I saw Watchmen the other night and wow, was it good.

Having not read the graphic novel, I wasn't all that sure what to expect. Those who have read the novel did not seem to care for it as much, so I think I will read it later and then compare.

The cinematography was wonderful and reminded me slightly of Quintin Tarentino. The acting was well done, as long as you are in the right mindset and remembering the time period. It also had an awesome, hilarious, and ironic soundtrack.

So, if you haven't see it yet, go do so.

and then go listen to the band Dr. Manhattan. Just because.

The other day Broski and I were talking about how strange relationships turn out to be. Like when you were dating someone and then broke up with them, and then every time you see them you wonder why. You wonder what you ever saw in them, why you ever liked them, and why they ever meant anything. Sometimes you get out of a relationship and you see how bad it really was the whole time. Everyone that was telling you how awful it is was totally right. Its a rather strange feeling. I know now that I look at certain people's pictures and I just feel sick and stupid for ever caring about them. I also know that I am really really happy that I am no longer in that situation. I'm in a very good relationship now.

My ex sent me a note the other day, saying what a horrid person I am and how happy they are that they aren't with me anymore, along with how selfish I am and how now that they're in a relationship with someone else, they see how much it really sucked to be with me.

I'm happy that now they know how I felt for the passed year or so. So then I went and threw the jewelry she gave me off a cliff. It was a really a good feeling to get rid of all of that. I still have a few more things to throw. It'll be awesome.

Ive been having "girl over-load" recently.
Don't get me wrong, I love the girls I hang out with, but sometimes I really just need to go and hang out with the guys.

So today I got back from McDonald's then went and played xbox with a handful of dude that I don't really know. it was a great feeling. For every 1 hour I hang out with girls, I need to either chill with guys or be alone for 3 hours.

Anyhow. Its 5:30 am right now, so I'm going to go to sleep before I have to wake up. I need to start waking up earlier because I'm just too rushed for class. ah well.

Goodnight.

"Is That A Dagger?" "No, It's A Necromancer's Wand!" "Oh! Okay!'

There seems to be a continuous stream of people coming in and out of my room as if we have a revolving door. We're supposed to have four roommates but we seem to have anywhere between five and ten at a time. Strangely enough they seem to move like pinballs, ricocheting around all four sides of the room to see everything, in a giant whirlwind of colors and accents. Yesterday we had:

A Staten Islander
A Vegan
A Just-Turned-17-Year-Old
Vlad
Mia
Broski

Then my three roommates and I.

All in and out, in and out, in and out.
Crayons and soup everywhere!

And all of them come in and start looking through everything, which I'm cool with, because I have so much weird stuff. Guitars, fairy wings, a ton of food, crayons, videogames, books. So much stuff, so many bright colors. Its a sensory overload. I do desperately need to clean, especially since there are so many people coming in all the time. I'll have to do that today after I get out of class.
Anyway. Off I Go!

The Best Thing That Could Be Happening

Here is my 50th post. Just to give myself a bit of a boost, I'm going to go through the goods and bads in my life. Lets check it out.

The Goods

1. 
   
   1. I'm actually doing well in school for the first time in a long time


2. I'm actually enjoying the time I have at school
3. 
   
   I have some of the most supportive friends I have ever had. We can just sit around and bullshit, talk about important things, or go out. Anything.


4. 
   
   My family and I are getting along really well, despite the stupid shit I sometimes do.


5. 
   
   I have an awesome boyfriend that treats me well


6. 
   
   I'm starting to realize that I deserve to be treated well. This is new for me


7. 
   
   I get along with all my roommates and we have so much fun together


8. 
   
   I'm starting to get my life straightened out


9. 
   
   I don't hate myself as much as I used to


10. 
    
    I make awesome angel food cake


11. 
    
    I wake up with a smile almost every day


12. 
    
    I;m learning to work around the big problems in my life


13. 
    
    I'm teaching myself guitar and I love it. I can actually play songs now!


14. 
    
    My health is in check. I'm not really ill or anything


15. 
    
    I've learned to ask for help when I need it, I've stopped trying to do so much on my own


16. 
    
    I've removed a lot of drama from my life, so it things are a lot less stressful


17. 
    
    I've learned to start taking more chances and live life a little bit more.


18. 
    
    I don't feel ugly all the time anymore.


19. 
    
    I haven't smiled this much in a long, long time.


20. 
    
    I quit smoking for the most part

The Bads

1. 
   
   I don't really eat as much as I should.


2. 
   
   I drink too much, but I'm trying to stop.


3. 
   
   Michelle lives far away.


4. 
   
   I'm running low on cash.


5. 
   
   I wish I had better relationships with my siblings.


6. 
   
   I've lost quite a few friends recently due to arguments and dramatic situations.

Over all I would say that things are going very well. I'm happy with where I am in my life right now. Things really look like they're turning around for me. And, when it comes to the bad things, I can fix most of them with time. I can't control when Michelle comes back, but she will, I can't do a whole lot about the not having money, but I can try, and if those friends don't want to be friends with me anymore, there isn't anything I can do about that either so I just let it go. But, I can stop drinking, with a little help, I can talk to my siblings more, and I can start eating more, which I have already done. I get up and eat lunch with my roommates almost every day now. So it's all going to be okay.

Woohoo!