SHARK SLAYER!!!

Finally some good news! Just what I've been looking for!

Again, I have to keep things vague, just for safe-keeping,

but at least there's a little bit of hope in the future.

So far today, I have:

Tidied up a little bit

Made lunch/dinner with enough for leftovers tomorrow

Cleaned and reorganized my hookah and shisha collection

Found the perfect gift for Van's birthday

Called into the phone company to sort out some issues

I feel pretty productive.

Work at 7 today, until 11, which is kind of shitty, but its hours, so I can't complain too much.

I also need to call Microsoft AGAIN because they've been charging my bank account for no reason.

Easy enough.

Today I also found this article, which made my day and began step one to my "Hope in Humanity Restoration" project (which doesn't actually exist, by the way.)

This awesome guy named Dragan drunkenly jumped into the ocean off of a high-dive and killed an enormous shark that had previously killed a person and injured others. Apparently when he landed on it, he broke it's neck, killing it on impact. Definitely my kind of man.

You Don't Even Want To Know

I will start by apologizing for the negativity that is seeping from every crooked letter and every punctuation in this post.

These past few days may have been some of the worst days of my life.

What makes it even worse is the fact that I can't even write about it here due to potential legal issues.

The other day I was flown to Texas to testify in court.

First I had to drive to Philadelphia, which is no big deal, as this happens about once a month.

From Philadelphia I flew to Houston, Texas. No big deal, right? Wrong.

The flight was connecting, of course, so I could get to my actual destination. Unfortunately, though, that flight left 20 minutes after my first flight touched ground. God knows it could take 20 minutes just to get off of a plane. Naturally, my first flight was ten minutes late. Fantastic.

Finally I made it in and went to the gate, which turned out to be changed. The new terminal was "all the way across the airport", according to one of the not-so-accommodating staff members. So, off I ran, taking the train for the second time to get to the proper terminal. Did I get there? Yes. Did the employee tell me the right terminal? No. Of course, I had to hope back on the plane and finally made it to the proper gate.

Just in time for the plane to be leaving.

I missed my freaking flight.

So, after more frustration, my flight was switched and I had to fly to Dallas. Then from Dallas, to my destination.

It was a nightmare.

My feet hurt, my stomach was sick, I hadn't slept in 36 hours and I had to face what felt like a reoccurring nightmare.

We will shorten this whole, lengthy story by saying I was driven to the court house, testified then spent the night and the next day in a large hotel. The court case did not go at all as planned. If anything, it was the complete opposite of what we were hoping for.

In the hotel, the food was mediocre and I found fleas in my room. Luckily I got my room switched and got to watch cable for a while, so that was good.

The next day I was driven back to the airport, hoped on a tiny jet, flew back into Houston, then went back onto another plane to Philly. That flight was filled with screaming, shrieking, whining children and a lady that chomped on her gum as if she were a goat.

The whole situation was a horrible, horrible nightmare that still has my eyes watering when I think about it too hard.

Another few days in Philly to recover, then back to New York.

Honestly, I'm not even writing this post so people can read it, but more for my own well-being. it just sucks that I can't even write what I want to.

Recently I haven't been able to talk to Van much, not just because of not being home, but because of work schedules and just issues.

He has so many of his own problems that I can't help but feel like I am a complete and total burden to him more than anything else.

Not too long ago we got new that we were going to have to move out of our apartment. Van will be moving into his family's house, I will be moving into my friends' house.

Thanksgiving is going to be crappy, and Christmas is going to be even worse. I'm dreading every upcoming moment for the next 6 months.

There is just too much going on right now for me to handle and I don't know what to do.

I can't get a hold of my best friend, either, so I really feel like I have no one right now.

Sure, I have my parents, as I'm staying in their house, but as soon as I leave here and go back to New York, I'm going to be completely alone again.

I don't feel like writing anymore.

What A D-Bag

First off, I have no idea what to write about. It seems like the topics for me to cover are dwindling.
So, if anyone has anything that they want to read about, feel free to let me know and I'll get to it.
Lets make this blog more "reader happy", if that makes sense.


Secondly, I just watched the movie Funny People, and I seriously think that it made me depressed. 2 hours of a sick comedian's life spiraling out of control? Great.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all about depressing shit. I rather enjoy watching fucked up movies about drugs and gangs and crap like that. Not if I expect it to be funny though.


Thirdly, I'm about to slaughter my neighbors. Not only were they pounding on the wall with a hammer today, but now they're stomping around like a herd of cattle upstairs. Its really not difficult to walk lightly.


And lastly:

FUCK FOUR LOKO

*No, that is not me. My puke was blue and full of Funyuns.

As If I Couldn't Get Any More Freaked Out...

There are bedbugs at the mall I work at.

Though, I think they got rid of them already...


I'm about ready to shave my head and douse myself in a bleach/kerosene mixture.

Because I'm A Heartless, Sarcastic Bitch

Another list.

I used to say that I thought I was a rather patient person. As my life goes on and I encounter more people, this theory seems to change a little bit. Perhaps morals are just different from what they used to be. Maybe people have just stopped caring. Who knows. I certainly don't. There are a lot of things that I see kids (and adults, for that matter) doing that I know for sure I would have gotten in HUGE trouble for if I did.
Not to say that my parents were strict, because they definitely were not; they just brought me up to generally be polite, courteous and have manners. I must say that for this I am thankful.

Sadly though, I see how people act these days and it sickens me. I don't mean to be "hoity-toity" or stuck up, but at the rate our race is going, we're about to drive ourselves into the ground.

So, now, it is time for another list!


SKELLYTON'S SOCIAL PET PEEVES 1. Playing music off of your cellphone in public.Whether you're sitting on the bus, walking through the mall or eating at a restaurant, you should NOT have your cellphone out playing your shit-quality MP3's for everyone to hear. Use some headphones. I don't want to know your "Top 10 favorite songs this week" while I am trying to enjoy me meal.I once had a couple come in to Ruby Tuesday's while Van and I were eating, sit down at the table across from us and play music through their cellphone throughout their entire meal. Should I have said something? Probably. Would it have made a difference? No. Why? They were friends with the waiter. Go figure. 2. Take up two parking spaces, because your car is "the shit".There is no need for you to double park your shit. If you do this intentionally, you are a pompous asshole. If you do this accidentally, you are a 16 year old girl that just got her license.Another time, while at the mall, Van and I encountered another bout of douchebaggery. It was a Saturday afternoon and the parking lots were almost all full at the movie theater. It took us at least 15 minutes to find a space, when finally, low and behold, there was one! We begin to pull our car up only to see that someone had very intentionally parked on the line. This irked me horribly. If you are worried about your car getting scratched or bumped, don't take it to the mall. Don't take it to the movie theater at the mall. Don't take it to the movie theater at the mall on the Saturday afternoon. And lastly, don't take it to the movie theater at the mall on Saturday afternoon in POUGHKEEPSIE NEW YORK. I hastily wrote a note that said "You;re car isn't THAT nice, asshole" stuck it on their windshield, then went and enjoyed my film. The end. 3. Pure and simple lazinessLaziness within reason, I can handle. Being so lazy that you cause more strain for someone else, I cannot. Laziness and ignorance go hand and hand, to me.Guess where I was for this one? Yep! THE MALL! Though, this time I was working. Sadly, this happens on a somewhat regular basis. A customer comes in, hustling like their ass in on fire, and comes up to me. They do not say "hi", they do not say "excuse me". The first thing out of their mouth is "I need 'x'". Now, 'x', is usually a CD of sorts. Let's say its The Rolling Stones.
"I need The Rolling Stones."
Usually in this situation, I would like to reply "No. You don't. You WANT the Rolling Stones. You don't need shit." But I don't. I don't say it. Usually, to be honest, I say "okay.""You'll be able to find it a lot faster than I will, I don't have a lot of time.""Its under "R" for "Rolling". All of our CDs go alphabetically.""Where is that?""Under "R". Comes after "Q" and before "S".""You need to show me."Jesusfuckingchristmaythisearthburnbeforemeandsufferonethousandfierydeaths.At this point, I stop whatever I am doing, walk over to the very predominantly labeled "R" section and point to the 4 to 5 rows of Rolling Stones CDs we have."Which one is the latest?""I don't know...here..."I then pick up a CD and look at the date on the back, explaining that CDs have a date on the back. I hand them the one that says "2010""Is this the latest one?""Yes. Its from 2010."They then walk away without a word. Apparently working in retail makes you sub human.

This post is getting far to long, so perhaps I will continue my list later on.

Surprisingly Uncool

Today I would like to bring a sense of enlightenment to the seemingly very confused world. Perhaps its just Poughkeepsie that suffers from these horrible phenomenons, but just in case it is the rest of the world too, I will continue on.
Here I would like to remind people that just because you think something is cool, doesn't mean that it actually is.
Now, I by no means claim to be a cool person. I mean, honestly, I write a blog for Christ's sake. But still, there are some people out there that need to get a grasp on what is or is not socially acceptable. So, today I bring you:

THINGS PEOPLE THINK ARE COOL

1. Car-balls

I don't understand what makes these cool or funny. They're stupid and disgusting, plane and simple. Do you not have any of your own, so you feel the need to tack a set of fake junk onto your bumper? Come on, guys. Give it up. Neuter your pets. The last thing we need is a bunch of stray Hummers running around.

2. Tacky-ass Ghetto nails.

No matter what your occupation, if you have nails that are more than an inch long, you instantly look like you run the cash register at the local 7-11. And I am instantly going to assume that you're going to sell me a Slurpee. Wild Cherry, bitch.

3. Douche-Beard

Although it sounds like you might be a bad-ass pirate, actually HAVING a douche-beard simply makes you an ass. If you spent half as much time learning proper English as you did carving hieroglyphics into your head, you would be a much more respectable human being. Instead you look like you just allowed a lawn-mower to take creative freedom of your face.

4. Tribal Tattoos

Unless you're a Maori or fucking Tony the Tiger, you need to stay away from the tribal ink. You either look like a wrestler, or look like a frat boy. Neither of which are respectable personas for the day-to-day civilian. There is nothing else like having solid splotches of meaningless black ink over your body to say "I think I'm a bad-ass, so does my orange-tan girlfriend!" They're gggggggrrreat!

5. Plymouth Prowlers

A wedge of cheese on wheels. Enough said.



6. Keytars
Perfect for the kid whose mom made them practice hours of piano everyday before they could watch t.v. We all know that all you wanted to do was join a rock band. Just like we all know you will always be a total dweeb for the rest of your life. Keytar = significantly uncool.


7. 3-wheeled motorcycles

Too bad-ass for a 4-wheeler, too chicken for a chopper. Looking for the perfect balance? You didn't find it. Move along. You're a tool. Tack a side-car onto it and you'll be the whole hardware store.

Come In To My Parlor

Arachnophobia: the fear of arachnids, more commonly; spiders.

This, thankfully, is one thing I do not suffer from. My boyfriend, on the other hand....

So here today I have written a list to make the little 8 legged creepy-crawlies a little more bearable.

10 Things You Should Be Glad Spiders Can't Do

1. Fly. Yes, some can sail on threads, others can jump, but let us be thankful that they can't hover, float, fly, or propel themselves through the air. Because that really is the last thing that we need.
2. Shoot lasers. I don't think I need to touch on this any further
3. Speak. Luckily enough for us, they can't crawl under our beds and taunt us in our sleep.
4. Swim. Yes, there are water-striders, but none of them are diving through the depths as a dolphin would, jump through the oceans and rivers.
5. Communicate with other species. Last thing we need is an army of rats being lead by a spider armada.
6. Breed with other species. Spider-cat hybrids. That's all I have to say.
7. Mind control.
8. Create civilizations
9. Shoot barbs.
10. Implant their eggs into your flesh.

Just Your Typical Thundercats Ho

Today I had planned on writing a blog about how every woman has "Jaguar mode". No, this has nothing to do with "cougars" or anything of the sort. Jaguar mode is when a woman gets so incredibly irrate that when she yells or screams she no longer sounds like a human being, but like a wildcat singing a thrashmetal song. This tends to be a very rare experience and only happens when a women is as angry as she can possibly be.

To better describe this, I had clips from two movies in mind, but I couldn't find the second one that I needed. First bit from was Forgetting Sarah Marshall. There is a scene about two-thirds of the way though the movie where Rachel encounters her ex-boy friend and more or less flips shit on him. I found that clip and will post it below.
The second bit was from Knocked Up. In that scene, the character Allison screams mercilessly at a rather confused Seth Rogen in a gynecology office. Unfortunately I could not find the clip from that.
But, those were my two best examples of women going into jaguar mode.
It really is a terrifying experience.

Here is the clip from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It is relatively short, but the part that I speak of is only within the last 10 seconds or so, and she only does it for about 3 seconds, as jaguar mode rarely lasts longer than that.

Well, I suppose after all of that I did make the post I had originally planned on. So now you may carry on with your lives.

Good day.

Oh, and if you are curious as to what sound I am refering to, is would be this, which is technically a bobcat:

Guess Who Won't Be Sleeping Tonight???

To anyone that doesn't know, if there is any one thing that I am absolutely terrified of, it's sharks. I am terrified of sharks and I would just as soon blow of my head with a shotgun than set foot in an ocean.
Due to a recent dream that I had, my mother felt the need to send me a facebook page called "Not being eaten by sharks"
I joined. Unfortunately there were pictures


You may click the picture to go to the website of the photographer.

And I hope to GOD that this is photoshopped. It definitely made me pee myself.



*edit
the second picture is indeed photoshopped.
Lucky, lucky bastards.