As Promised

To any of you who haven't read my reviews before,
You will quickly learn that I specialize in tearing things apart.
I know, I know, this is unfair, but that is just how it is.
Unfortunately, the bad almost always outweighs the good.

If there is a movie where a basket of kittens get violently and graphically tortured, no one is going to give a shit if the protagonist finally gets with the love interest.

Violently and graphically tortured kittens outweigh a kiss.

The bad outweighs the good.

(I am in no way, shape, or form suggesting that a basket of kittens get violently and graphically tortured in The Social Network, so don't get your hopes up, sociopaths.)

Now, the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem.

That is exactly what I'm doing here: admitting that I violently and graphically torture movies in my reviews.
So, I will try my hardest not to be to brutal with this one.


(Insert shitty "Windows Movie Maker" transition here)


The Social Network.


Let me start by telling you that I only had minimal knowledge of what this movie was about before I went to see it.
So little, actually, that about 40 minutes into the movie, I noticed what the main character's name was, leaned over to my friend, and said "Wait...Mark Zuckerburg? Isn't that the guy who made Facebook?"

No shit, Sherlock, go back to the kiddie table.

I though that this movie was a fictional tale about social networking, fabricated for the entertainment of the Internet-saturated youth of today.
Oh, was I wrong.

It turns out that this movie was the history of Facebook.

FACEBOOK!

REALLY?

Why would ANYONE be interest in seeing that?

Had I known that, I probably would have waited to rent it, accidentally kicked it under the couch, forgotten about it for weeks, and had a movie-ticket's worth of late fees by the time I finally found it.

Luckily though, it wasn't wretched.

So, allow me to paint a picture for you;

The film starts out with our hero(???), and his girlfriend at a bar, babbling almost incoherently back and forth in a tedious, somewhat indistinguishable monotonous exchange that made me pray and pray that the entire movie wasn't going to be like this.

Turns out it was simply a way to show what a DICK our main character is.

Though, our dickish main character's dialog was kept up in the same excruciating fashion throughout the entire movie. (I will admit that it was funny, if you could keep up.)

The whole middle of the movie was a back-and-forth, dizzying switch between camera angles and parts of the story, trying to explain multiple lawsuits. Not only were they explaining lawsuits, they were explaining them backwards. Kind of. It wasn't bad though, just took a little getting used to.

One thing I couldn't get used to was the GOD DAMN FILTERS that they used.

I felt like I was watching the first 10 seconds of an Asthma medication commercial throughout the ENTIRE MOVIE. And when it wasn't an Asthma medication commercial, it had the feel of a modernized Western. Maybe if Walker Texas Ranger banged Juno McGuff.
Something like that.
Horrible filters. Horrible filters that were difficult to see past (ba'dum-tss!)

That was perhaps my biggest complaint about the movie.

I had one more problem, though. Not from my own personal experience, but I feel like it could have easily been an issue, especially for either the older generations or the younger generations.

If you understood a large amount about computers, then this movie would be easy for you to follow.
If you understand a lot about the law, it would be even easier.
And if you understand a bit about business, then it would be easier yet.

If you don't know much about any of the previously stated; good luck. You're gonna need it.

The film is about Harvard students.
They talk and act like...well...Harvard students.

So, if you're an older person that only operates the computer to check your email when you remember or to play Solitaire because the TV is out, then this movie will be miserable for you to watch. Stay home and open up that DVD your grand kids got your for Christmas that you haven't touched yet.

If you're twelve years old and have no idea how life works yet, go watch the Guardians of Gahoole or whatever the hell it is, because you're not going to understand it and you're going to sit in the theater texting your BFF the whole time. Then I'm going to reach over and break your phone in half then stuff it in your cherry slushy. (Do I smell a euphemism?!)

Now, as I say in almost every blog of mine:

Moving right along.

The acting was pretty on-par (with a few awkward exceptions,), the story, in the end, was interesting enough, and the cinematography was...acceptable. The oh-so-anticipated musical score, though, was god-awful.

Have you ever seen "Forgetting Sarah Marshall"?

At one point in that movie, the main character talks about his job as a composer. He explains that he doesn't compose music, really, but just dark and ominous tones.

It felt like they hired him for this movie.

Dark and ominous tones.

Dark.
And.
Ominous.
...

Tones.

That's pretty much what we had going on here.

But let's try to think positively.

One of the strongest points of the movie, was character development, but I feel like that's nothing special since it was based on REAL PEOPLE. There were no "characters" to "develop".
But over all, the characters were interesting.
While watching it, I felt for them.
When one got fucked over, I was a little pissed. When something good happened, it made me happy.
They weren't just empty shells, so that was good.
Everything about it was very realistic (no shit...) From the emotions, to the consequences of the character's actions, to the way they spoke, to the way they dressed. Even the events of the movie were realistic, so that was very uplifting. My time wasn't totally wasted.
Well, not all of it.
About....eh.... an hour and fifty minutes of it.
A story that could have easily been told in ten minutes was drug out to about two hours.

It was like listening to your drunken uncle at thanksgiving.

You know, the one you try to avoid being alone with because he's going to hold you hostage and tell you his life story for the 6th time?
Kind of like that.

The movie was just a bit long.
(and then ended really abruptly, so you had no idea when it was finally going to be over.)

So, i the end, I'd say "sure, go see it".
Its worth seeing once. I wouldn't buy it, I wouldn't see it again in the theater unless someone else was paying for my ticket and begged me to go.
Maybe I'll rent it once.
Its worth a one time see, so may as well.
We all know that if you don't, you're just going to sit home and F5 your News Feed for two hours anyway.

3/5 stars.