I Will Lose My Shit If Just One More Person I Know Dies.

All the people's mouths are moving

All you hear are car alarms.

This is getting ridiculous.

SHARK SLAYER!!!

Finally some good news! Just what I've been looking for!

Again, I have to keep things vague, just for safe-keeping,

but at least there's a little bit of hope in the future.

So far today, I have:

Tidied up a little bit

Made lunch/dinner with enough for leftovers tomorrow

Cleaned and reorganized my hookah and shisha collection

Found the perfect gift for Van's birthday

Called into the phone company to sort out some issues

I feel pretty productive.

Work at 7 today, until 11, which is kind of shitty, but its hours, so I can't complain too much.

I also need to call Microsoft AGAIN because they've been charging my bank account for no reason.

Easy enough.

Today I also found this article, which made my day and began step one to my "Hope in Humanity Restoration" project (which doesn't actually exist, by the way.)

This awesome guy named Dragan drunkenly jumped into the ocean off of a high-dive and killed an enormous shark that had previously killed a person and injured others. Apparently when he landed on it, he broke it's neck, killing it on impact. Definitely my kind of man.

Fuck it.

Fuck this shit.

Fuck moving

Fuck packing shit

Fuck clothes that don't fit anymore

Fuck messy houses

Fuck boyfriends

Fuck girlfriends

Fuck ex's

Fuck friends

Fuck the people that say they care about you

Fuck the people that say that love you

Fuck the people you thought you could trust

Fuck Poughkeepsie

Fuck New York

Fuck drunks

Fuck retail

Fuck shitty holiday seasons

Fuck spending the holidays by yourself

Fuck growing up

Fuck living on your own

Fuck money

Fuck humanity

Fuck the motherfuckers that try to hold you down.

Fuck wanting to knock someone's teeth down their throat

Fuck people that bail on you

Fuck it all.

Seriously.

Just fuck it all.

IM A DRAGON!

13. Thoughts and opinions on Mean Girls

This movie has a devilish amount of truth to it, I suppose. How corruptable youth is, how highschool can be for some people. I never really related though. If anything, I related to Janice.

14. Do you have any siblings

I do. Kind of.

I have a half brother and I have a half sister. I also have a "brother"

We never lived together, so we aren't super close or anything. But aside from that, I get along with them rather well.

15.Favorite Junk Food

Gotta go with Funyuns on this. And, of course, icecream.

16. Favorite Disney Princess Movie

Disney princess? Not so sure. I really liked the Princess and the Frog???

17.Thoughts on Ugg boots.

A trend that should have died out a long, long time ago.

Picture unrelated.

Two Days

11. Your Top 3 Favorite Bands

1.The Weakerthans

I've been listening to these guys for years now. A lot of people don't recognize the name, either. Apparently they're pretty popular in Canada.

There music, I always find, is inspiring. Every time I listen to them, I feel like I learn something. The Weakerthans have a song for any moment of any day. For any feeling, any emotion and any situation.

2.Protest the Hero

Here is another band that I've been following for a few years now. Their album "Kezia" is my absolute favorite. I often choose them for long car rides. (They keep me awake!) They're one of the few heavy bands that I've discovered that actually have important lyrics. Important lyrics AND a concept album? From a metal band?! Yes, it is possible!

I don't really have a third, to be honest. I have my two favorites, then the rest that I really, really like are all pretty even!

12. Your Thoughts or Opinions on Harry Potter

Funny that you should ask, as we just spent Thanksgiving watching the first 6, then went to the movies the next day to see the 7th.

I grew up with Harry Potter (and Harry Potter grew up with me, actually). So, the entire series is very dear to me. Every book and every movie has been purchased or viewed on the first available day (except for this last one, actually, because I was traveling...) Basically, I freaking love the Harry Potter series.

Mumm Baby!

10. Talk about your pets or the pets you would like to have.

Mumm Ra is my cat-baby.

I love him dearly.

He is currently curled up next to me, sleeping.

Almost 10 pounds.

Hes getting so big!!

AAand

someday I would like to have a crow.

Raw Food Time?

Raw food time.
I gotta lose this weight.
Its showing more and more.
I CANNOT STAND IT FOR ANOTHER SECOND.

I Always Forget!

Oops!
Five days to catch up.
'Lets make this quick.

5. 3 favorite colors

Purple- It looks good on me, it can be a nice dark color, without looking too foreboding.

Black- I just like it, I guess. It matches everything

Silver- Its not gold. Haha


6. Favorite season: Autumn.
Not hot at all, not too cold.
Jackets are freaking sweeeet!

7. How you came across "blogger", how your life has changed since.
I once googled the world "lumberbum" and it took my to someone's site. I really enjoyed reading it, so I started up my own.
I like my blog, it gives me somewhere to rant and ramble, instead of bothering people in real life about it.


8. Fitness guru or couch potato:
Neither.
I want to work out, but never get the chance to.
I hate sitting around, but living in a little apartment in freezing cold NY doesn't really allow for much movement.

9. Favorite meme at the moment:
None, really. I haven't been interneting as much as I usually do, so Im a bit behind on the latest memes. My favorites though, as "a cat is fine too" and party cat.

Feel Free to Skip This One. The Other Two Are More Interesting

It's funny how the past sneaks up on you out of nowhere.
One minute, you think that everything you left behind is nothing but dust. Old map markers a few pages back. Then, suddenly it's in front of you again, whether you like it or not.
Its like something that was burned to ashes suddenly rematerialized, plain as day, as if it had never been engulfed by the flames you set to it.
Disgusting.

But inevitable.

This past month and a half has been nothing but that feeling.
Things resurfacing. A cancerous relapse.
Everything that I thought I shed, crawling back over my fresh skin.

I've returned to square one.


As much as I hate to admit it, there hasn't been a day that I haven't cried for the past 20-some days. Frankly, I grow weary of it.

My heart is tired of hurting. The weight of it makes it seem like stones could float with ease in comparison.


It sucks that this blog is turning into more of a diary. Occassionally that happens, but that is not my intention. Hopefully it'll seen be back to the angry, yet interesting jots and tiddles that it used to be.

As of right now though, this might be the only place I have to turn.

See, I'm not looking for advice, I'm not looking for help and I'm not looking for opinions. There are plenty of people that are offering that. It's just simply not what I'm looking for.
At this point, I just need to get everything out. Something is telling me that I time will come where I won't be able to convey my feelins properly, but this will be here to do so. This is just a fallback, I guess.

As I started writing this post, my intention was actually to review a CD that I just purchased. Funny how things start to tie together. I suppose I had best get on that.


Until next time.

Louder Than God's Revolver and Twice as Shiny

(Aw, see? They're still cute as can be!)

For the past 4 years many of us have been anxiously awaiting the release of the new My Chemical Romance album. Let me tell you, I've been on the edge of my seat. The constant checking of their websites, the endless hours of research, the tears and sadness with each bit of bad news that seems to precede their latest endeavor.

Finally, Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys has been released.

This seems to be a reoccurring trend with me:

Eagerly, I unwrapped the plastic that clung so forcefully to the CD case. The troublesome sticky plastic adhesive strip sealed it shut, making it near impossible to free my prize from it's grasp.

Then, it was free.

I loaded it into the disk player in the car.

First track, so far so good. Second track, I'd heard it before. Third track, I turned it off.

Bullshit.

Complete and total bullshit.

Rage and fury.

Okay, okay. Hold up!

Everyone is wondering what the hell is wrong with me, what I'm smoking, if I'm delusional, etc.

Hear me out.

Way back in the day, I was dating someone.

This someone just to happened to be one of the most psychotic, unhinged, maniacal bunny-boilers I have ever met in my life. God knows why I stuck around so long.

I just so happened to meet this person through a My Chemical Romance fansite. We hit it off right away (when they seemed normal), but then things got ridiculous.

We started up our own fansite, all was fine and dandy. A big part of our relationship actually centered around the band and our love for them.

Then shit got crazy.

Super crazy.

Like, cry under the bed, My Super Ex Girlfriend meets The Exorcist crazy.

We broke up, it was like running naked through hell whilst wrapped in razor-wire.

(Honestly, I would rather do that than deal with this person anymore)

And naturally, as if shit could get any weirder, I pop in this CD, listen to 2 songs, the 3rd song comes around and my ex's NAME was USED IN THE FUCKING SONG.

WHAT THE HELL?!

Of ALL bands and of ALL names, THESE TWO have to somehow mix together?

I still can't figure out how the hell that happened. They say "*name* won't you come back home" or something ridiculous like that.

All of my rage poured out.

It took me a few days to give it another try.

Now I just skip that song.

The rest of the CD is great. Yada-yada.

Basically, its like The Buggles meets the Chili Peppers meets Dr. Manhattan or something.

All whilst infused with a generous amount of Fallout 3-esque themes.

They kept all of their imagery from before, spiders, bullets, hearts, vampires, David Bowie.

So, yeah, they're still doing their thing.

It's no Black Parade, but you really can't even compare the two, because they sound like two different bands that sing with the same (effects/auto tuned?) voice.

Perhaps part of it is the fact that they're drummer is gone, so they have more of a keyboard focus than a drum focus. I do miss that and I was a fan of their drummer.

It's not bad, though, considering that many bands can't keep going after losing a member.

I haven't dug deep enough into it to really understand the concept yet and I haven't paid enough attention to the words to really grasp what's going on. So, perhaps I'll write more about them later on.

Wow. 4 Days Already? Oops!

I could have swore that just yesterday I posted my 30 Day Blog Challenge.

Time to catch up.

Day 2: Talk about your tattoos and piercings.

Easy enough!

My first piercings were, of course, my ears.

I was an infant, it wasn't my choice. I don't remember.

As I grew older, I wanted more. The holes had shifted a little, so now I just ignore them

Now I have 3 new holes in each ear. I've had them normal sized, I've had them gauged to all kinds of crazy ways. Unsuccessfully, I've pierced my nose and ears and other parts. None of it turned out as I hoped, so I just let them be.

Right after my 18th birthday I pierced my tongue. I've had all of those since.

Tattoos, though.

My first one was a hand-drawn honey bee. Not unlike the ones from Whinnie the Pooh. It is on my side, above my hip.

Ink, as many people know, is addicting.

From the bee it then turned to arm tattoos:

3/4 of my right arm is covered, from above my wrist up to my shoulder. All of them are old Sega Genesis games.

It starts with Zombies Ate My Neighbors, then goes to Battle Toads, then Earthworm Jim, then Ecco the Dolphin, then Sonic the Hedgehog. Some the main characters, some the side characters and villains. Today, for example, I got Evil the Cat from Earthworm Jim on my shoulder. Next month I'll be getting the cover from Golden Axe II on the back of my shoulder.

No, there are no real pictures of them online. I have a few pictures of the individual bits, but there are no pictures of its entirety. Soon, my friends, soon.

Day 3: Write About Your Favorite Television Program

I wish I could write about my favorite television program, but I actually don't have one.

In all honesty, I avoid watching TV if I can. I really like movies and games, but TV, I could do without.

Back in the day, Queer as Folk was one that was frequently played in my house. When I was younger I liked Invader Zim. As of right now? There really aren't any. Its a struggle to find something enjoyable.

Day 4: Write About Your Closets Friends

That is pretty hard to do at this point in my life.

Many of my friends, I don't talk to anymore. The ones that I do speak to, we don't have the "best friends" relationships.

Wow.

This...actually really sucks.

Down The Rabbit Hole

I wish I were falling somewhere half as interesting as Wonderland.

Another One Of These

I stole this from my friend's Tumblr.

And also I just need something to keep my mind off of my life right now.

So, Day 1.

My middle name is Elise.
When I was younger, I didn't really like it. The name was far too girly for my taste. To this day, it still surpasses any level of femininity that I could ever muster, but regardless, I have no qualms with the name.
As I got older, I began to appreciate it, mostly because of the fact that my parents got it from the song Für Elise, by Ludwig van Beethoven.

You Don't Even Want To Know

I will start by apologizing for the negativity that is seeping from every crooked letter and every punctuation in this post.

These past few days may have been some of the worst days of my life.

What makes it even worse is the fact that I can't even write about it here due to potential legal issues.

The other day I was flown to Texas to testify in court.

First I had to drive to Philadelphia, which is no big deal, as this happens about once a month.

From Philadelphia I flew to Houston, Texas. No big deal, right? Wrong.

The flight was connecting, of course, so I could get to my actual destination. Unfortunately, though, that flight left 20 minutes after my first flight touched ground. God knows it could take 20 minutes just to get off of a plane. Naturally, my first flight was ten minutes late. Fantastic.

Finally I made it in and went to the gate, which turned out to be changed. The new terminal was "all the way across the airport", according to one of the not-so-accommodating staff members. So, off I ran, taking the train for the second time to get to the proper terminal. Did I get there? Yes. Did the employee tell me the right terminal? No. Of course, I had to hope back on the plane and finally made it to the proper gate.

Just in time for the plane to be leaving.

I missed my freaking flight.

So, after more frustration, my flight was switched and I had to fly to Dallas. Then from Dallas, to my destination.

It was a nightmare.

My feet hurt, my stomach was sick, I hadn't slept in 36 hours and I had to face what felt like a reoccurring nightmare.

We will shorten this whole, lengthy story by saying I was driven to the court house, testified then spent the night and the next day in a large hotel. The court case did not go at all as planned. If anything, it was the complete opposite of what we were hoping for.

In the hotel, the food was mediocre and I found fleas in my room. Luckily I got my room switched and got to watch cable for a while, so that was good.

The next day I was driven back to the airport, hoped on a tiny jet, flew back into Houston, then went back onto another plane to Philly. That flight was filled with screaming, shrieking, whining children and a lady that chomped on her gum as if she were a goat.

The whole situation was a horrible, horrible nightmare that still has my eyes watering when I think about it too hard.

Another few days in Philly to recover, then back to New York.

Honestly, I'm not even writing this post so people can read it, but more for my own well-being. it just sucks that I can't even write what I want to.

Recently I haven't been able to talk to Van much, not just because of not being home, but because of work schedules and just issues.

He has so many of his own problems that I can't help but feel like I am a complete and total burden to him more than anything else.

Not too long ago we got new that we were going to have to move out of our apartment. Van will be moving into his family's house, I will be moving into my friends' house.

Thanksgiving is going to be crappy, and Christmas is going to be even worse. I'm dreading every upcoming moment for the next 6 months.

There is just too much going on right now for me to handle and I don't know what to do.

I can't get a hold of my best friend, either, so I really feel like I have no one right now.

Sure, I have my parents, as I'm staying in their house, but as soon as I leave here and go back to New York, I'm going to be completely alone again.

I don't feel like writing anymore.

Ain't That a Kick in the Head?

This passed week has been mostly wonderful!

Isn't that a good thing?

It's been a while since there has been any updates here, and for that I apologize. This may be a lengthy one.

First things first:

Fallout New Vegas.

Has is been taking up a lot of my time?

The answer is "yes".

At this point I am at level...18? And well on my way. So here comes the "review", so to speak.

The beginning of the game may have been the biggest disappointment I have faced since Sonic the Hedgehog became 3D.

The storyline was god-awful, the startup of the game was slow, the area was boring and the new features were confusing.

Total play time before throwing down the controller: 45 minutes.

Total time spent bitching because the game sucked: 5 days.

Eventually I had some more spare time and I finally mustered up the patients to guts to pick it up again.

Same thing.

Total play time: An hour and 15 minutes.

Faith in Bethesda: Diminished.

"Oh, it gets better," they said.

"Keep playing!" They said.

Fine.

"You can launch Ghouls into outer space!" They said.

...

Well... in that case...

Controller back in hand, I trudged onward through the Mojave wasteland, trying to make the best of things.

Total playtime: 32 hours and 15 minutes.

Ultimately, it redeemed itself, making it a more playable game. Less frustrating, too. Here is a quick run through of what is good and not so good.

Good:

The dialog. I was extremely impressed with the dialog, this time around.

In Fallout 3, you could walk around and another character would make a nasty, offhand remark about you. Though, as soon as you clicked on them to speak, they were cheery as can be.

Here, that changed that. When they're mean, they're mean. When they're nice, they're nice. It is refreshing. Other than that, the dialog options are great.

Creatures and people.

The new characters and creatures in the game are awesome! Robotic dogs, firebreathing geckos, Elvis impersonators. Its great. A lot less run-of-the-mill.

Companions.

The companions you have follow you are swell. They also give you a lot of neat-o perks.

Let me tell you, Boone is just the bee's knees.

Fame:

Instead of just having good or bad karma, you gain fame an infamy amongst the other colonizations and groups in the wasteland. This is really nice, actually, because instead of having EVERYONE shooting at you, you only have a few people. Though, the disguises and outfits don't work as well as I had hoped they would...

Mediocre:

The storyline.

Perhaps Im just not far enough along yet, but I think that I like the other storyline a little bit better....

Housing:

It takes a bit longer to get your house here, I feel, but the options are greater. The first house you get, there is little or no attachment to the tow you're in. No reason to stat, reall. Evertually you get a really badass one.

Perks: There are some good ones, but there are also a lot of the same ones.... its disappointing. On top of that, you only get to choose a perk every-other level, which confused and upset me in the beginning.

Weapon mods:

Cool in theory, but a little too complicated for my liking. Especially the ammo. It is too time consuming and the menu screens are too cluttered for my to bother taking my time on it.

Bad:

THE BUGS AND GLITCHES.

This may be the reason that I permanently lay this game to rest. There are too many quest-breaking bugs. It stutters, freezes and stalls. People and items don't show up where they need to be, and we have has some file corruptions that set us back HOURS.

Ammo mods/Creation:

I hate this and try to avoid it at all cost. Too much of a pain in the ass for me.

Snow globes:

I miss the bobble heads! And they give you money, instead of skill points... Oh well...

Overall, its pretty cool, but it doesn't quite hold a candle to Fallout 3. After falling in love with those characters, it really sucks to have to start over again. The bugs in the game are excruciating and frustrating (along with the lengthly loading screens...)

I would recommend picking it up, for sure. But I may actually recommend that you wait until there is a patch out for it or you will just be wasting your time.

When not playing Fallout, I have been working overnights (hence the lack of updates.) Personally, I think it is awesome. Most of it was physical labor, which was a nice chance. Getting in to work at 9, then leaving at 9 in the morning was actually pretty sweet. (McDonald's bacon, egg and cheese bagels for dinner! YES!)

I didn't really like sleeping all day though. Didn't get to see Van very much either. But other than that, it was nice. A lot of hours and a lot of moving around. I dig.

Finally I caved and applied for college again. I just need to get my transcripts sent in. I'm going to be a High School English teacher. This is something I look forward to.

Right now all I can think about is food, so I'm going to go and perhaps play Fallout until Van wakes up. My sleeping schedule is all screwed up now, so I just woke up a little while ago and its 4 AM (I think? Daylight savings time has confused me a little bit, since the clock on my computer is already wrong?)

Off to scrounge up some Lucky Charms.

What A D-Bag

First off, I have no idea what to write about. It seems like the topics for me to cover are dwindling.
So, if anyone has anything that they want to read about, feel free to let me know and I'll get to it.
Lets make this blog more "reader happy", if that makes sense.


Secondly, I just watched the movie Funny People, and I seriously think that it made me depressed. 2 hours of a sick comedian's life spiraling out of control? Great.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all about depressing shit. I rather enjoy watching fucked up movies about drugs and gangs and crap like that. Not if I expect it to be funny though.


Thirdly, I'm about to slaughter my neighbors. Not only were they pounding on the wall with a hammer today, but now they're stomping around like a herd of cattle upstairs. Its really not difficult to walk lightly.


And lastly:

FUCK FOUR LOKO

*No, that is not me. My puke was blue and full of Funyuns.

There Ain't No Rest For the Wicked

Sagging, tired eyes

What is this thing you speak of?

"Sleep" is what it's called?

I've lost count of how many days it has been since I've slept well. Going to bed at 6:30 am isn't cutting it. For some reason I keep tossing and turning.

Luckily enough, I've been able to keep myself busy.

So far I've nearly completed my Fallout 3 Laser Rifle prop for my Halloween costume. The rest of my outfit is ready to go. Same with Van's.

The other night I worked the midnight release for Fallout New Vegas. What a wonderful time!

Of course I left the store with my collector's edition copy, I haven't had a chance to play it though.

After leaving the midnight release a little later than 1 am, I drove a friend of mine home, then picked up my other friend, Jason, and we drove to Philly.

In the pouring rain.

At 2 am.

Several Full Throttles, a NOS, a Rockstar and a Venom later....

We got to my parents' house at 6 am, just as Dad was leaving for work.

Almost immediately we went to sleep, just to wake up in 4 hours then drive an hour into Center City.

There we waited at the Rock School of Dance to audition to work at DISNEY WORLD!

This was very exciting.

I figured, though, that we would just do some minor acting auditions and get an interview. I was sorely mistaken.

And sore in general.

Turns out we had to dance for approximately 3 hours. Almost non-stop. After being so exhausted (and sick from drinking all those poisons on an empty stomach that morning...), dancing was the LAST thing I needed to do. I was certain that I was going to faint.

The auditions were out at 5 pm. I felt confident and sweaty and ready to collapse.

With eyes drooping and heads nodding, we finally made our way home, ate dinner, then watched the extremely disappointing Scream Awards.

At 8 o'clock this morning, we woke up and made our way back to New York. Traffic was awful, due to ungodly amounts of construction.

I dropped Jason off at his house, then went to Planet New York and added on to my tattoo.

Now, I'm home, sitting on the couch, typing this with my eyes closed, ready to fall asleep. Maybe I'll make cookies for Van tonight, since I just got some chocolate chip cookie dough from Mom.

Or maybe I'll just lay on the floor until someone scoops me up with a giant spatula...

Today was a day of much-needed adventuring and business.
After sitting around the house for a week or so, it was nice to go out for a little.
Yeah, okay, I wandered around the mall for 6 hours, but it was better than sitting home alone doing nothing.
(Though...that could have been some valuable Fallout time...)

I found some parts for my Halloween costume, got some more tobacco for my hookah (which you can review on my other blog, if you click to my profile) and saw Jackass 3D.


Let me tell you, Jackass 3D was the best 11 dollars I have spent in a long time.
If you're into that kind of crap, I definitely recommend it. Plus, Johnny Knoxville is my "From-the-waist-up" celebrity crush. It gave me a much needed laugh, which I was thankful for.



Sometimes you just need to watch a guy get punched in the dick, you know?

VXS

Yesterday I really needed someone to talk to.

For the passed week or so, I've been having trouble sleeping. Going to bed at 4 or 5 in the morning because I just couldn't fall asleep, no matter how hard I tried.

Last night, I thought for sure that I would be able to sleep. We went to bed at 11 or so. An hour later, I was still tossing and turning. I couldn't stop thinking about Victoria.

To those of you who don't know about Victoria, she's a good friend of mine. We were best friends in 4th-5th grade. Then we started going to different schools, etc.

We were really tight.

She died about 6 months ago, back in May. I don't know who all reads, this, so I really don't want to get into details about what happened.

Lets just say it was extremely sudden, extremely unexpected, and extremely unintentional.

We were out of the country, when it happened, so I wasn't able to attend her funeral. I did, though, get to go to her 40 Day Memorial, which gave some closure, but not nearly enough.

For a while, I had been doing alright, more or less coming to terms with things.

Just every once in a while it hits really hard. Yesterday was just one of those nights.

Over and over again, I kept seeing my mom walk into my room and tell me that she had died.

It was unbelievable.

A few other things about the event kept circulating through my mind, I wish I could type them out, but again, I don't know who all reads this, so it's not appropriate.

Luckily a good friend of mine, Chris, is always just a phone call away. He was best friends with Victoria, too, so we talked about it a little bit.

That made me feel better.

It'll never get easier, though, I don't think.

You can face the realization, of course, but it just never gets easier.

I Am Not A Violent Person

I just have no problem with ripping someone's arm off then beating them to death with it.


Not really, though.
I realize, after going back and reading these, that I seem really, really mean. Or bitchy. Or hateful.
This is partially true, I will admit.
Part of this I blame on working kitchen jobs, part of this I blame on working retail jobs.
My sense of humor comes in to play. I suppose one could say that I have a "violent" sense of humor.
But I don't mean it, for the most part.

I'm nice, I promise.


Or maybe I'm just a MINOTAAAAAUUUURRR!

Bet you weren't expecting that, huh?!

Lastly, I'd like to say that I freakin love Snoop.